"Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life." (John 6:67-68)
366 A.D. - The Egyptian desert
Over the years, this very thought had occurred to Br. Paphnutius on a continuing basis, especially during the long night vigils. The unimpeded life can be a frightfully honest thing. When we have time to think and reflect, are we going to be comfortable with everything that the conscious mind churns up from the fertile soil of the subconscious? Are we really the person that we present to others; that we have convinced ourselves that we are or "need" to be? We can fill pages and conversations with sage advice lifted and digested from various sources and blended together with our own experience, but does it really mean anything to the one who is speaking or writing? We can practice lectio divina all day long, but do we really believe what we read? Does it make a difference? Do we really care? Self-deception is terribly easy to come by, particularly when you live alone.
Br. Paphnutius, who by now is considered an "experienced" monk (meaning that he has been struggling in his vocation longer than some of his brethren in the nearby cells have been alive), has spent the greater portion of his life alone. Sure, he was surrounded by other students in school and almost married at one point, but even there among those casually social and emotionally intimate relationships, there was a part of him that he just couldn't give away to the other person. Not that he didn't want to (and he was good at pretending that he had), it was just something deeper than he could reach and it remains incommunicable to this very day. The only One Who truly knows Paphnutius is the Creator of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. That is the root of his vocation. Here in the desert, bereft of all pretence and illusion, he can simply be himself and rest assured that he is in fact known and loved, and that that will never change.
To get back to the question at hand, though. What if he weren't a monk? Would he have success as a merchant or other businessman, a scribe or philosopher, a family man? As much as he knows he is not called to be a father and husband, what a great blessing and a joy it is for him to observe family life. Though, if we are being honest, it causes a pang of regret from time to time in his heart as well.
To take it one step deeper, would he even be a Christian? "Last year" when we were first introduced to Br. Paphnutius it was noted that in his twenties he tried and found wanting a monastic community while he was still filled with youth and enthusiasm. However, the abbot of the place found that Paphnutius did not fit into his preconceived notions of what an obedient novice monk ought to be. Paphnutius, at the time still so inexperienced, did not have the good sense to take things in stride and understand that there are some who have a pathological need to wield "power" over others, even in the Church. That, together with the overemphasis on "rules" and "regulations" in that particular community (a situation where obedience to the letter of the law was prized almost to the exclusion of obedience to its spirit lived in a humane way) and the coming scandal that would rock the Church and shake the faith of her most ardent members was quite enough. At that time he had come to consider himself (and watch out, here's another great opportunity where self-delusion rears its ugly head) an ardent traditionalist who believed the party line simply because it was the party line. In short, he had become the worst sort of "true believer" willing to throw others under the bus rather than deviate from the "rules". The most pernicious thing about that, aside from the cold attitude it engenders, is that it wasn't even apparent to Paphnutius what he was becoming.
These days, those who like to categorise people in simplistic ways and struggle valiantly but vainly to "clean up" the messiness of life (good luck with that!) would consider him something of a soft old liberal. And, you know what, he's okay with that. Through his experiences (and believe me, he has been around the block a few times!) he has come to accept what he always knew to be true about himself, not warring in his heart to try and force himself to be what he is not out of a false sense of belonging and fear of rejection.
Okay, after that detour, Paphnutius once told me: "Brother, I can honestly say that had it not been for the former occupant of this cave I would probably have abandoned the way of Jesus Christ. Even now there is much ignorance in the Church which is really good at pushing people away. I have learned to just let things be, trust in God and worry about my own belief and condition. Everything else will follow."
The moral of (this part) of the story: I don't know that there really is one this time. If you haven't guessed by now, many of the details present in these stories are a compendium of real life experiences of the author. I have rearranged some events, added humorous details and the hindsight of lived experience together with Biblical references, but there is a lot of me in these accounts. In part, telling these stories is a way for me to exorcise some of my own demons. Perhaps what I have to say may prove useful for you on your journey.
To be continued...
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